Insight from a Madman

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Another Lesson in Inanimacy

I am getting really tired of people developing these firm ideas of how they need to change in order to be able to be in today’s society.  I don’t care whether it’s their form of expression, their views on sex and sexuality, or their body; I DON’T LIKE IT.

I have had numerous friends who have approached me and said that they need to learn how to not connect love and sex.  I realize the freedom that it allows me, not having the two related in my head, but they don’t understand how jealous I am that they have had regular sex with people that they love with it actually meaning something to them.

People seem to think that hardening themselves to things will help them to get through the issues to come.  They seem to think that they need to not be reactive and to learn how to approach everything with the level of calm do.  They don’t understand the need for passion and the strength that it allows them.  I sometimes with that they could experience things from my perspective for one day and really understand what they have.

Most people are like bouncy balls while I am like a wrecking ball.  I can calmly swing in and do my job without being hurt and, ultimately, getting around and destroying the obstacles that stand in my way.  But when something stops me, it takes so much more work to get back up and moving.

There is only one way for a bouncy ball to harden itself: to freeze.  Guess what happens when you drop a frozen bouncy ball too hard…

It shatters.

sometimes, sometimes, you just have to walk away

This is a response to someone’s response to three things that I wrote to them in the past two weeks.  The first was a note set in a gift that I drove 7 hours to leave on a porch.  The second was an e-mail the night that she got the gift explaining my emotions and how far from being where I thought we would be we are now.  The third was a message asking her to tell me that it’s over because I need to stop constantly thinking about her.  My assumption is that she will never read this.  That she will never want to.  She doesn’t know that this tumblr exists.

Note one: The letter.  Driving 7 hours to the middle of nowhere to drop off a surprise for you is the only thing that I could do.  There were honestly a few days that I wanted to drive there anyway to just sit on the dock and lose myself in the lapping of the waves.  Having presents to drop off justified that.  You apparently don’t remember how things used to be.  That I used to wake up five states away after having driven 10-12 hours just to turn around and drive home.  For me, driving is an escape.  We actually talked about it one night while I was still in Buffalo.  Driving isn’t just leaving behind people and places and things.  It’s not just running away.  It’s going somewhere; somewhere that you never thought that you would be some span of time away.  Getting lost in music is lovely, but it’s really the coming back to your problems from somewhere new that helps me out.  Despite regretting having left presents against your will, I haven’t felt as good as I did when I got home from that drive in a long time.  I’m glad that you ultimately do like the present and that the dogs liked theirs, but I need to thank you for what you gave me: someplace to drive back to my problems from.

Note two: The email.  I honestly didn’t want you to go to therapy.  The only reason that I pushed you to do it is because you wanted to and couldn’t bring yourself to do it.  You needed someone to help you and had stopped letting that person be me.  When we first started talking again, you had all of these things that you were dealing with, from Ash not taking you into consideration to being afraid of losing people through the break-up.  I think that that was a part of the downfall was that, for a month, we were happy enough that we didn’t need to worry about things.  When it changed back to us needing each other to talk to, you had pulled away hard because we couldn’t talk the way we had before and I tried to pull back to where you were, but stumbled and got lost in my mind in the process.  We both knew that you weren’t ready for a relationship and that’s why I made you stop occasionally and remember that just because we spend a lot of time together and that we kissed, we weren’t a thing.

I don’t remember you trying to find time for me.  When we were happy, we just melded the other person into our time.  You came to family game night, I came to fourth of July.  You came to Grandma’s, I came to the barn.  I don’t know about your end, but from my end, my selfishness manifested itself as selflessness.  The issue that I discovered proves it: I love you so much that I forgot to think about how you felt or what you needed.  

It is not you that makes me drop everything and come to the rescue.  That’s who I am for people.  Molly’s mom went to the hospital and I was there.  A friend I hadn’t talked to in years needed a ride and I picked him up and drove three hours for him.  You needed to be taken care of at the bachelorette party and I picked you up.  I take care of people when they need it.  While we were talking, those kinds of things never came up, but when they do, I always go where I’m needed.  I hate to say it, but it’s not just you.  I do support everything you choose and I would follow you to the ends of the earth, but it’s because I love you, not because I need to follow you.  I e-mailed Julio’s wife and asked her about working student back in August because I wanted to know what to expect and how I could support you from thousands of miles away because I wasn’t going to be there with you.  

I need you, but not in the way that I expressed in my email or in person.  What I need is for you to know that I am in love with you and my need to make sure that you understood that increased every time you reacted without a smile or a hug.  That’s how it got to where it did.  In the back of my mind, I have always known that you were where I wanted to be for the rest of my life.  Not physically, but mentally. That disconnect between what I wanted you to know and what you were letting on that you knew were what pushed me over the top.

My eyes go dim when I lose you, but they come back eventually without you.  I can be, and have been, happy without you, but it is different.  I can be happy to be wherever I am with whomever I’m there with, but I feel like less of myself (although by that point I have forgotten what it feels like to be myself with you).  The distractions become more of trying to liven things up in my life as opposed to taking my mind off of you, but I have never met someone who makes me feel the way that you do nor someone who is as beautiful as you are.  I thought it was hilarious how attractive you found Meadow back in the day…she doesn’t hold a candle to you.  There are people that I could marry and people that I could start a family with, but there is a fundamental difference between how I feel about them and how I feel about you.  I love them, I’m in love with you.

I didn’t make a conscious decision regarding you about not taking the pain killers after the accident; I didn’t want to injure myself further by thinking that I could do more than I was able to because I couldn’t feel the pain.  It wasn’t until afterwards that I realized that that was stupid since I never got out of bed and that there was some other reason in the back of my mind.  I hurt you.  It’s impossible for me to make you understand how awful that is to me.  The closest thing I can think of is to have you imagine hurting Molly.  Hurting her so bad that she is as nervous about being around you as she is about being around me.  That’s what I did to you.

You are lucky in your ability to lose yourself in riding.  It’s part of why I love watching you ride.  It’s one of the reasons that I wrote down on the list of reasons why I love people.  I remember writing it: I couldn’t find a pen and so I used a sharpie to write “I love Morgan Raitch because she is so passionate about the things she loves.”  I never want you to lose your passion for horses.  Just like I wish Molly would live forever, I love you for the person you are and for the things you bring into my life.  Watching you ride is one of those things and that’s why I always pushed for you to ride.  I have the same ability as you.  I can get lost in things, although I have no limitation to what I get lost in.  Work is the most frequent thing for me.  It’s a great ability to have, but it’s detrimental to interpersonal relationships.  When you have the ability to forget for a while, eventually that becomes easier than talking.  It’s how I mistakenly ended up with Bri for so long.  I never want you to lose it, but I wanted you to realize the ramifications of it.  Just like I never wanted you to exist for me, I just wanted you to understand that you’ll have to exist for someone else some day.  They are the difference between a family that stays together and one that falls apart.  They are the difference between Joes and Stacies versus Erics and Mollys.  People that understand honesty, communication, sacrifice, and fear and their relationships to each other within a relationship are the ones who really make it.  I realize that throwing sacrifice in there makes me sound contrary to what I said previously, but if you can’t sacrifice, a relationship will never survive having kids.

You are not my world nor my reason.  You’re my salt.  You’re that thing that, to me, makes every meal just a little bit better.

Note three: The message.  I know that you don’t know what your forever holds.  I can only hope about mine.  You have lost that hope from what I can tell.  You are so unsure of yourself that you don’t see a point in it.  We used to talk about hopes and plans a long time ago and for a while, when we were happy, that came back to you some.  I want you to be excited for the future, not scared of it.  Scared of failing. Scared of changing.  The future will come no matter what.  Ben Harper has been playing in my head all morning: “It’s time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.”

Loving you has been an ordeal to say the least.  A roller coaster like the Superman, but intense enough that I have thrown up.  The pain that I felt from when we talked after your major shutdown in July until October was great, but I couldn’t handle hurting you.  I guess you could compare it to horseback riding…the pain was like the burning in your arms, it felt good, but I had to flex it in order to appreciate it.  In October I felt like I was riding you too often and would break you soon.  So November happened.

You always think you can’t be what I need, but that’s exactly how I feel.  You are exactly what I need the way that you are, I can’t be what you need.  Do you remember the first time you told me that you loved me?  I said “What?” because I didn’t think I had heard you right and you hung up the phone right afterwards and I had to call you back.  That was the night that all of this started.  That’s why it’s so hard for me to just step away.

This is the fourth and fifth time I have ever heard you say that you love me.  I asked for you to let me go because I can’t deal with the deafening silence.  

Blessings and Curses

Dear Reader,

I have the unfortunate curse of having split personalities.  The hardest thing in the world is to look in the mirror and realize that you’re not you.  To realize that there is someone with your face walking around and living life while you are shoved to the background.

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You know those nights where you’re too in love to sleep?

I think I’ve had too many for what seems like no reason.

Plans for Life

When I was younger, I had a very specific set of plans for my life.  Most people would call them dreams, but that word can’t apply to them.  These weren’t things that I wished for or wanted to reach, they were things that were going to happen.  There was no room for error nor space for adjustments.

  • I will have 5 kids.
  • I will be financially well-off.
  • I will be married with a kid on the way by 25.
  • I will have all of my dream houses.
  • I will have a career that is entirely passive.
  • I will travel without restriction.

At some point, these changed.  I like to believe that, as I matured, my plans matured as well.  I realize that this is not the truth.  At some point I realized that my plans didn’t have someone else.

In talking about their plans for the future, people often talk about a silhouette in the imaginary photos.  A dark figure who will eventually be replaced by the image of the one they love.  My plans never had that.  There were people whose images would fade in and out, as if they would be briefly in my life, their blurry profiles slipping out of my life after a matter of days, weeks, or months.  

I have no idea at which point the plan went from being something that I believed to a habit which was ingrained in my head.  In the recent past, I have come to understand that none of these things matter.  They would be nice to achieve and if I reach one or all of them, I will be truly grateful.

But I don’t need them.

I need a girl.  The same one who I’ve been chasing for 10 years.  I need the girl who is in my imagination and my dreams,  I need the girl that will actually make all of my plans worthwhile.

Every Window Another Story

Ever since I was little I have loved looking at the faces of the people that I pass while in the car.  I don’t know why it is different from the people that I see in passing when I am anywhere else, but it feels different.  It is someone who is in your life for less than an instant, but in that instant they can change everything.  Their grief can lead to an accident, their generosity can turn your day around, or their passing can simply make you wonder…

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Sometimes I miss the days where I feel like dancing.

I hate dancing.

I need to fix whatever is wrong with me, I haven’t written anything I’ve liked in months…

A Snowblown Country

If I were to compare a fresh snowfall to anything else, it would be the mail.  It doesn’t matter how often the mail man brings it by your door, there is always this secret hope that something good will be in it that day.  The mail brings opportunity.

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The Good is Coming

There is a made-up religion in a fictional book that makes perfect sense.  It is a religion that bases nothing on stories or on people.  A religion that forces optimism.  There is no belief in eternal damnation nor in eternal glory.  It is a religion wholly to make your life better and to keep you arrogant and humble at the same time.

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